Review of the movie: “Gosnell: The Trial of America’s Biggest Serial Killer” *spoiler alert*

Forward: I am pro-life, and this movie is made by mostly pro-life people. That said, this movie is not about being pro-life. This movie is about the system protecting a serial killer because of his profession and not wanting to give anyone an excuse to question “reproductive rights.”

Last night, I went to see the movie “Gosnell: The Trial of America’s Biggest Serial Killer” in a completely sold out theater.  I have seen many movies in theaters and usually there is a buzz of excited chatter after a movie. This movie theater was absolutely silent after the movie was over. The only thing I could say to my husband in the theater was, “let’s go home so we can cuddle the baby.”

The movie started out as most movies do, showing the back stories of some of the main protagonists. But this was only after showing a character mentally struggling with an idea before finally taking a picture of something.

The undercover police officers played Dean Cain (Woody) and Alfonzo Rachel (Stark) make a successful drug bust. The FBI and DEA show up. The woman caught filling prescriptions identifies Dr. Gosnell as the doctor writing the illegal prescriptions. The police officers are allowed to tag along with the DEA and FBI when they investigate Dr. Gosnell’s clinic based on suspicious testimonies made by clinic employees.

When they arrive at the clinic they are struck by the disarray, the smells, and the cats wandering around the clinic. There are biohazard bags everywhere as well as a general smell of filth. Stark actually steps into a pile of cat droppings and it is later found out that the patients are sometimes forced to relieve themselves in the hallway as there are not enough bathrooms.

Woody and Stark make their way around the clinic and come across a cabinet filled with specimen containers containing the feet of fetuses. The feet in the containers really struck me. Dr. Gosnell later explains that he keeps them as “tissue samples” for genetic identification and research. Ok, I understand keeping tissue samples. I am a medical professional. Blood and/ gray matter would be highly useful for that purpose and you obtain these as part of a normal abortion procedure. The fact that he was keeping whole body parts and the same body part of each fetus gives rise to the theory of the trophy keeping of a serial killer.

From there the search continues into Gosnell’s house. His house is also in absolute disarray. It is flea infested and there is a dead cat which is mostly decayed in the basement. He also seems completely unphased that the police are in his house as he cooks himself breakfast then sits down to the piano to play classical music. As a person who has spend a lot of personal time researching anti-social behavior, this has all the hallmark signs of psychopathy. Not all psychopaths are serial killers, but all serial killers are psychopaths.

I don’t want to give a full movie synopsis because I want people to get out and see the movie because we need to get the word out there that this is an important movie. It is not a strictly pro-life movie. You can walk into the movie pro-choice and walk out of the movie pro-choice. What you can’t do is walk out thinking that it is okay for a clinic to go 13 years without being inspected by the department of health just because it is an abortion clinic, especially as complaints about the clinic pile up including possible wrongful deaths. As DA McGuire says in the movie, even nail salons are inspected by the DOH every year.

Another important thing that is brought to light in the movie is the problem with modern media. It is ironically a pro-choice blogger who forces the mainstream media to start covering the case. She says at the end (the quote may not be perfect, but it was something like this), “I am a journalist. I uncover the facts. I don’t change what they are to fit my agenda.” I caught myself scoffing in the theater not because I disagree with her, but because this definition of journalism is dead. I have seen article after article published by revered media outlets such as CNN, NBC, and even Fox where the headlines and/or cover photos of the stories have nothing to do with the article or are completely disproved by the body of the article. They get away with headlines and photos that are absolute lies because the articles tell the truth. The problem is, most people don’t read the whole articles and are instead just spewing headlines they read or reposting stories with click-bait pictures that have nothing to do with the story.

I believe in calling out my own side when they are wrong so the specific story I am going to call out will be from Fox. Fox posted a story online about a shooting. If you actually read the article, it was about a work place shooting. Why then was the picture for the article of a school bus?

To be an honest person, you have to be willing to be critical of your own side. That is why I think that this movie is so important. Sunlight is the best disinfectant as the mother of modern nursing, Florence Nightingale taught us. This is true for the right, the left, the catholic church (and any other religion), pro-lifers, pro-choicers, etc. If you try to hide the faults of your own side, when they come to light, as they always do, it calls your whole ideology into question.

As a Christian, I will take this argument further to comment on my own “tribe” as tribalism has become so widespread and dangerous in our culture. The second commandment, when accurately translated, says “Do not misuse the name of the LORD your God.” This is the commandment that includes absolute condemnation if broken. That’s because to misuse the name of God includes doing evil in God’s name. The reason why God will not forgive someone who does this is because it poisons people against God himself when in truth, it is you doing the evil and not God.

I say all of this to get back to why the movie is so important. Why couldn’t they just treat Dr. Gosnell as the serial killer that he was and bring him to justice as soon as suspicions were mounted? Because he was an abortion doctor. They couldn’t call into question the merits of “reproductive rights,” so they let a serial killer continue his work unencumbered.

I am calling all readers to action. Go see the movie. It is extremely important, not just in the abortion argument, though that is part of it. Mostly, to me, the importance of this movie is that each side needs to be willing to call out the bad actors on their side. In the short term, it may cast your side in a bad light. But in the long term, hiding bad actors calls into question your side entirely.

I hope you enjoyed my review of the movie and the commentary. I hope everyone will get to see the movie.

Working with an illustrator

I hope you enjoy this blog entry. It will serve to let you in on the process of writing a children’s book, give some insight into the coming book: Sampson the Super Dog: A Collection of Short Stories, and provide previews of some of the artwork that will appear in the book.

Working on a children’s book is a completely different beast than working on a novel for young adults. You have a lot less time to tell the stories you want to tell. Children are also a lot more visually interested and engaged. Which is why pictures are more important.

I must say, it’s a lot of fun working on a project with an illustrator. The stories are developing ahead of the illustrations necessarily, but the illustrations complete the stories. Essentially in the case of #SampsonTheSuperDog.

The book is kind of like a puzzle that can only be understood in its entirety. Each story and illustration are like pieces of that puzzle. For example, there are things that are talked about in the stories that are only revealed as to what they really are in the illustrations.

I am really enjoying the process and the teamwork with the illustrator. I hope that this won’t be our only project together.

For more glimpses into the work of RE Luebke, check out her comic: OTZI.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/re-luebke/otzi/paperback/product-23783581.html

Where have I been?

So, when I left you, I was in the middle of a nasty divorce. I can tell you with all certainty that all the nastiness is over and done with for good.

That said, there’s a lot of gaps to fill after almost 3 years and I am not even going to try to fill them all. I will tell you a few things before I settle into writing less personal posts…

Remember that blog post I read about how doing nothing with a friend was great? Well, I married that friend a little over a year ago….and we had a baby about 9 weeks ago. She’s the sweetest thing and her big brother and sister are crazy about her.

The last year especially has been crazy. All while I was pregnant and/or had a new baby, I started at a new job, we moved, the older kids started at a new school, we had to replace my car which was totaled when I was 9 months pregnant when a tire popped, and everything that comes with preparing for and having a new baby for the first time in 8 years (first time ever for my husband).

These last few years, especially this last year, have been a whirlwind. We’ve shed tears when we lost family members. We’ve panicked then got excited for the coming of a baby we didn’t even know was possible. We’ve dealt with the disappointment of the news that this baby, for my own safety, has to be my last even though I am still young at 31 years old due to health risks that are too serious to risk again. We also have the hope for children in the future in the form of adoption if God is willing.

There have been a lot of ups and downs. There have been tragedies, triumphs, surprises both good and bad, and the miracle of another little baby girl. As always, I am filled with hope for the future and have the resolve to work through any problems that come my way, as they definitely will. It’s just the way life works.

Now that things have calmed down a little bit, I have renewed my efforts to publicize my YA fiction novel, From The Ashes. I would also like to announce that I have a children’s story book coming out by the end of the year called Sampson The Super Dog. In future blog posts I will reveal more.

Thanks to everyone who has been giving me their thoughts and prayers over the last few years. God bless you all. You will be hearing from me again soon.

What I Have Learned About Writing and Life

My recently released novel: From the Ashes was about a 2 year project from coming up with the idea, to writing, to editing, to reviewing proofs, and finally to releasing the book. There have been many surprises along the way, but all around, the process has been very empowering and rewarding.

The first thing I learned is that the original idea for a novel is like the sketched outlines of major shapes that will someday become a complicated masterpiece with layers of paint, highlights, and shadows. Can you tell that I like painting too, though I am not very good at it? I thought I had the whole story planned out when I started writing it, but with each page, each paragraph, each word; the characters started to develop personalities of their own and unwritten backstories that caused them to take on a life of their own. When I first started writing, the story in my mind was much less complex and much more easily resolved, but I realized that the characters that had developed wouldn’t be able to resolve such complex, visceral tragedies and conflicts so easily. The story, in a way, took over and directed me to find how it would really resolve. In the end, the story was much more rich and powerful than what I had in mind when the project started.

I am mentioning this revelation second, but really, this is one that is still going on now. Now that I have my own physical copy of my novel, I am reading it for the first time through the eyes of a reader and not a writer or editor. My life was very different when I started writing, more naive, but also darker. Now, I am more aware of how the world really works, but at the same time more hopeful. There are things that I put in the book that elude to things that I was not consciously aware of or willing to acknowledge. I guess it goes to show that maybe I wasn’t as naive or ignorant as I thought, just too trusting and too patient with too little self-esteem. This specific example may not be the same for everyone, but I have come to believe that an author can discover things about themselves and about the real world as they create and live in a world all their own.

Another thing I learned is that writing the book is kind of the easy part. Especially since I chose the route of self-publishing. I don’t regret my choice because I wanted complete control over the content of my novel and didn’t want anyone editorializing the heart, soul, and message out of it. That said, doing it without a manager and publicity team has left those tasks on me. As much as I love writing, writing about myself is a real challenge. How to sound confident and knowledgeable without sounding pompous or like I don’t live in the real world but a world of my own design. Simply put, life has been hard on me, but I trust that God has a plan for me and will get me there the way he needs to even if he has to hit me over the head with that fact that I am going down the wrong road a hundred more times first.

Publicity is quite a tremendous task. As mentioned before, I am a mother of two, a full time nurse, as well as a volunteer at the kids’ school, and now a novelist and my own publicist, and at the same time still working through one of the hardest times of my life. The day seems over before it has begun with me only accomplishing maybe a quarter of what I had intended to accomplish in the day. As much as I love writing and would love to think of my books in the hands of people across the country and across the world, my own goals and aspirations will always take a back seat to my roles and responsibilities as a mother. No matter how old my children get, they will always be my babies and I would do anything and everything to keep them safe, secure, and on a path to a good future. Being a flawed human in a world where I am surrounded by flawed humans, my actions may not be perfectly carried out or my intentions even remotely understood, but I will always do my best and what I see as best for my children and their future. Everything else, I will get to when my duties to my children are done.

With that attitude, I may never be famous, I may never be rich, and I may never be as productive as any other novelist, but I will be able to look at my children and myself in my mirror and know that I am doing my best. Fame, wealth, and accomplishment are all fine and good, but my duty is not just to myself, but first and foremost to the two beautiful, little lives that have been placed under my care. I will never regret or apologize for loving my children and looking out for them.

I hope to be able to go forward with my writing, publish more books, and get them in the hands of more people. I have faith that someday my life will get back onto the track that it is supposed to be on so that I can find life, love, and happiness of my own, but my duties to my children will always come first. I hope to find someone who will understand that my children will ALWAYS come first, that will be able to make me a priority when I forget to make myself a priority, and will bring out the best in me and will have the best of him brought out by me. These hope, I have faith that I will have a taste of them someday, but if not, I know that I am still living the life that God has planned for me and fulfilling the plans and roles he has for me.

Singing Karaoke: Having Fun and Staying Out of Jail

Singing karaoke is something that I had wanted to do for a really long time. Many opportunities arose but I was never able to take advantage of any of them, and it wasn’t until after I finally got to go that I realized what, or should I say who, had always kept me from doing it. Even on my 8 year wedding anniversary/long overdue honeymoon trip I had an opportunity and somehow got talked out of doing it again.

So, the day after the worst birthday I ever had, I finally went with my brother to sing karaoke and have been going pretty much every week since. And let me tell you, it is so much fun. Thursday night is the worst night of the week because that is the night the kids go to their dad’s house. The only thing that makes them bearable is gussying up and going out to sing songs about things that I could never really do without maybe going to jail.

I must say, up until recently, I didn’t really like that many female recording artists. The day after my hell on earth started, I listened to a couple songs by Katy Perry, Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, and Pink, to name a few, and instead thought, ‘Ah, some women who understand me!’ I will admit, that until that day, I really didn’t like Katy Perry at all. I had heard the song “Roar” a few times before and thought to myself, if only I could be like that. That just happened to be the first of these songs that I listened to after all this mess started. I finally realized, I am like that, I just didn’t know it yet.

I am sure there are some men out there who just plain hate those women and their songs, but let me tell you something. You should probably thank those women for singing those songs. You see, when women get angry, they either hold it all in until it is too much to deal with and end up lashing out to unreasonable proportions, or they find some way to deal with it. That is why those songs have probably saved you a few times. Think of it this way, if the girls you wronged didn’t have those songs to listen to or sing along with to vent their anger towards you, you may have had to deal with the damage to your face, car or other property, or the part of your body that got you into trouble with them in the first place. So, for the sake of ‘your manhood,’ thank those women who wrote those songs.

Please understand that most of this is being written, at least to this level, just to be funny. I am in no way condoning violence or saying that anyone would be justified by doing it, though it would be incredibly satisfying, until the jail cell bars closed. What I am saying is that there is far too much screwing around going on and a lot of women (and men too) with justifiable anger because of it. For some people, doing some sort of physical activity helps bleed off some of that anger. I know that I have done my share of swimming laps, taking walks, and chopping wood in the last few months. But to me, karaoke has to be one of the most fun ways to get out some of my anger.

I also want to make it very clear that I don’t think that all men, or even a majority of men, are liars, cheaters, and betrayers. Quite the opposite actually. I am lucky enough to have so many good men in my life that I don’t have to go through an “all men are the same: jerks” stage. Instead, I have more hope for the future than I’ve ever had before. Someday someone is going to treasure the woman that someone else treated like trash. And if not, at least now I know that I am completely capable of taking care of myself.

Why Doing Nothing is so Awesome!

I don’t know how it is in the rest of the world, but I know that here in the US, yes even in the midwest, it seems like we are all always running around with a never ending list of things on our to-do lists. Well, you know what? Every once in a while, toss that list aside and have a do nothing day! Don’t freak out, it won’t kill you. In fact, it may help you be more productive every other day.

For those of you who don’t already know, I sometimes feel like I don’t even have time to breathe right now. On a scale of 1-10, (I am a nurse, we like scales of 1-10) my stress level is probably a 13. Though I am not officially single yet, I am now adjusting to the life of a single mother. My kids are both in school full time so I do get some time during the day, like right now, to get other things done. On the other hand, pretty much everyday I have the kids, because I work every weekend, they are in school all day and I feel like I am missing so much time with them. That thought alone increases my stress level and makes it hard to keep going. I have also been volunteering some of my time at the school, which is struggling financially 😦 both to help the school and to give me more time where I am at least physically close to the kids. I have volunteered to make myself available for so many things that I hope my new-found ability to say “no” and “enough” will continue to develop and keep me from biting off too much.

Obviously, I am a writer. It is almost comical the ways I have had to keep that going. When in the writing process, I literally have a notebook with me all the time and pull it out and work every time I a free second: in a waiting room, during my lunch break at work, in the car waiting for school to let out, while I am waiting for a load of laundry to get done, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am a distinct disadvantage compared to other writers because I simply can’t dedicate as much time to my writing as I would like. Having total responsibility to support myself and at least half of the responsibility to support my children, I have to keep the guaranteed, steady source of income going. (There is more to it than that, but I will get to that in a second) Writing is something that I have been doing since early childhood, but out of fear of both failure and success, I had never let it get beyond a hobby. I have a lot more strength and courage than I ever gave myself credit for because, even with all the turmoil going on in my life currently, I am still moving forward and getting my novel out to the world, though it is taking even longer to do so because of all of the additional demands currently in my life.

As promised, I will further explain why I am keeping my “day job.” Technically I work weekend nights, but you know what mean. Even if my writing were to take off, become a lucrative business, and a steady source of income, I would still keep working, part time at the very least. I am an Oncology and Hospice nurse which is physically and emotionally demanding. Those of you who know anything about cancer, that word alone drives fear into the soul. Though treatments these days are so much more effective and usually better tolerated, the word cancer is still synonymous with death. I take care of people in all stages of their battle with cancer, from diagnosis, through treatment, to the end of the battle whatever that end may be.

Caring for cancer patients can be extremely taxing physically. Tumors literally starve the body of all sugar, which is why tumors light up on a pet scan, because that is where all the sugar is. Sugar is the number one source of energy. People who are robbed of their sugar are robbed of their energy, their nutrition, and their strength. Severely ill patients can potentially require complete care because they are physically unable to do anything for themselves.

The emotional strain goes without saying. Sometimes it all just seems too hopeless. Especially working in an in-patient setting, most of the patient we see and the sickest of the sick. We have people who come in and get chemo that requires hospitalization, but for the most part routine chemo can be done outpatient. Our second specialty is Hospice. These are people who are literally and actively dying. This may not make sense to many of you, but these are the patients I enjoy caring for the most.  These patients will not get better, and they will end up dying, many of them in the hospital under our direct care. I like the autonomy and intuition involved in caring for these patients. Most of them are unable to do anything for themselves or even voice what they need. It is a lot of looking and listening for signs of what they may need and responding to those signs. There is something pretty rewarding involved in taking care of people who are absolutely dependent on your knowledge, skill, and intuition. It is amazing how much hope can be involved in seemingly hopeless situation. Some families fall apart, but for the most part, you see families pulling together, reminiscing, enjoying their time with each other, looking back at the past, and looking toward the future with hope. It is amazing to witness. So demanding, but so rewarding.

I am a mother of two and am having to basically start from scratch to give them the best life and future that I can give them. I am now the breadwinner, bookkeeper, chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, counselor, entertainment, tutor, etc. Again, so demanding, but so rewarding.

It often feels like I don’t have time enough to breathe or eat much less get everything done that I need to get done. Sometimes the worry about getting everything done is so crippling that I just get stuck in an endless loop of worry and self-doubt. The idea of sitting and doing nothing is sometimes terrifying.

Then there was a day couple weeks ago when my kids’ dad picked them up several hours earlier than I had been expecting. It hurt so bad to see them leaving, again, knowing that I wouldn’t see them again for several days. It was like I just got stuck. I messaged a friend online, basically having a pity party, about being sad that my “playmates” were gone. That friend invited me over. We did, pretty much nothing. We just lounged on the couch eating pizza, watching old movies, and petting the dog…we did nothing. And it was just what I needed. We didn’t talk much and we didn’t have to. We each had an evening of doing nothing and a partner in crime to do it with, and we are both super busy people.

For me, it was just the recharge I needed. The problems in my life didn’t go away. My to-do list didn’t go away. The hurt, anger, grief, and loneliness were waiting for me when I got home, but I was better able to face them. I took just enough of a break from doing and worrying and spinning out of control that I was suddenly better able to deal with everything that I had to deal with it.

We all need a break from the craziness once in a while. Spending some time doing nothing seems like such a waste of time. But maybe “wasting” a couple hours every once in a while will make us better able to make use of the rest of our time. In the end, we may be able to get things done in less time overall. If we never take a break from the whirlwind that is our lives, we will get swallowed up by it.

Book Review: The Fault in our Stars by John Green

First of all, let me say that I read this whole book in one day. I literally could barely put it down. Being a busy mom, I had to obviously take care of my kids and do house work, but after every task, I picked the book back up and just kept reading. The pace is perfect and keeps you drawn in the whole time. Though this book was probably primarily geared toward teens, it was still meaningful and relevant to me as a mom in her late twenties. My mother was actually the one who recommended the book to me and we later saw the movie together.

The book is relatively short in comparison to other current YA novels, but there is no feeling of something being missing from the story. There is also not “white space” included to add length to the story without adding depth and meaning. I find the length of the book appropriate in the fact that one of the themes of the book is the “little infinity” or the full lifetime experienced within a short amount of chronological time.

I have read many books that have made me laugh and cry, but never before one that made me do both at the exact same time. It is amazing to me how Green is able to give the reader a sense of hope and hopelessness at the same time. You cheer the young lovers on while at the same time feel a sense of futility. From the beginning, you know fully well that the heroine has terminal cancer and is at some point going to die from it, but at the same time, she and her friends are so snarky about it that you can’t help but find it all somewhat hilarious. Those who have not read this book yet might take offense at the previous statement, but those of you who have read it know exactly what I mean.

As funny as this may sound, I was very impressed with Green’s ability to capture the inner-workings of the mind of a teenaged girl. I was brought back to being a young girl with a crush over and over again. He captures the internal battle between logic and sweet puppy love perfectly. You are also able to see as the relationship grows and develops from a crush to a deep, loving relationship. The experience is absolutely beautiful.

As a nurse who specializes in the care of cancer and hospice patients, this book also spoke to me as to reconfirm my career choice. Death and the dying process are among the most horrible things to witness. And let me say, it never really gets easier, you just get better at dealing with it. When the person dying is young, it is all the harder. With that said, it is also something that is worth being a part of. It is during that time that you see what someone is truly made of. Sometimes people and families come apart at the seams, but sometimes they find strength that they never knew they had. They are able to understand what is truly important in life and overlook the rest. They make everyday count and live and love like there is no tomorrow because there may not be. It is truly a privilege to witness and be a part of.

Overall, I would recommend the book to anyone 12 and up who is able to handle dealing with death and some dark themes. Those themes are not overwhelming, but they are there, so the reader must be prepared to deal with them. The book takes you through the emotional wringer, but it is wonderful to experience. This book was truly one of the best books I have ever read.

Finding joy in your pain

There have been enough bad things that have happened to me in my life that many people would agree that I’ve had every excuse to just give up. Every time that I feel like my life is on the upswing, something comes along to knock be back down. It almost seems like, every time I climb up, I climb up higher; and every time I fall down, I fall down further.

Even so, I still have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that God will make all things work out the way they are supposed to. Truly, everything that has happened to me that has seemed like unnecessary pain and trial, has lead into one of the best things of my life. I have to believe that God would not close a door without opening a window somewhere. I just have to trust him to carry me through this newest tribulation and to lead me to the open window that is my new hope and future.

This newest struggle in my life has let me see how strong I really am. I can take care of myself and I can be brave and strong. For too long I have doubted myself and seen myself as weak and as a failure. I have accomplished so many things in life, and yet nothing seemed like it was enough. What did I expect from myself, perfection? There is no such thing. Finally, I can look at myself and at the things that I have accomplished and be proud of them. There is nothing wrong with saying to yourself, “Hey, I’m pretty awesome.” Before, I had always thought that that would mean I was arrogant or self-centered. But, there is nothing wrong with looking back at what you’ve accomplished and at the person that you have become and feeling proud.

Another thing that I have learned is that the plans that I have had for myself have greatly paled in comparison to the plans that God had for me. In my bull-headed stubbornness, I seem to ignore his guidance in my life until he ends up having to beat me over the head with it. Maybe if I wasn’t so stubborn or so dead set on doing things my way it wouldn’t take such force to get my attention. You’d think I would have learned this lesson a hundred times over by now.

The main thing, I suppose, is that even if there is no joy apparent in your life now, you have to try to look forward to the joy to come. As for me, I trust that God has a plan for my life and that I needed to get put back on track. I have no idea what those plans are, why I am having to be steered in another direction to get there, or what else I will have to endure to fulfill what He has planned for me. My only choice is to trust that He knows what He’s doing and that my struggles have meaning and purpose. I can find strength in my weakness and joy in my pain because I can look to the one who is my source of strength and joy and trust in Him.

Just another Chronic Illness

So, as I have said before, I work full-time as a nurse. My floor specializes in Oncology and Hospice but we also care for general medical and surgical patients as well. Psychiatric nursing was definitely not my calling, but I consider myself an advocate for people with mental health disorders. It is easy for me to not be afraid of mental health disorders because I have been exposed to them my whole life and I suffer from  a few of them myself. I think all nurses have some level of OCD but I also struggle with depression, specific and generalized anxiety disorders, and ADD. As strongly as I feel that mental health disorders are just like any other chronic health disorder it is still scary to talk about because of all the stigmas associated with mental health.

Before getting into the harms and dangers associated with mental health stigmas, let’s talk about why they shouldn’t exist in the first place. Let’s start with Oncology since that is my primary specialty. Did you know that pretty much everyday your body has cancer cells in it. I’ll try to keep it as simple as possible, but it is pretty complicated. So you know that your DNA is a code for making proteins as well as passing on the genetic code to future generations of your cells. Usually that code is copied correctly but sometimes it is not. Also exposure to carcinogens such as certain chemicals and UV rays can damage cells and their DNA. Did you know that viruses can infect your DNA and insert part of their genetic code somewhere into your genetic code? These things happen all of the time and in general is just called mutation. Sometimes the code will change in just the right place and the right way to become cancerous. Well, this happens a lot, too. Usually your body can recognize those cells and destroy them but sometimes the cells survive. That is how you get cancer. You can do absolutely nothing wrong and still get cancer. The cold and flu viruses can cause cancer. To make a long story short, somewhere along the line the immune system messed up and the person got cancer. Would you ever tell a person with cancer that if they just tried harder they wouldn’t have cancer anymore? Would you ever blame them for having cancer or think they are a bad person or be afraid of them? There are exceptions but for the most part we would all agree that cancer just happens to people. Some part of their body didn’t act properly and they got cancer.

Diabetes is also very complicated. With type one what usually happens is that the body goes into overdrive after an infection and starts attacking itself. This is what happens with autoimmune diseases in general, but in the case of type one diabetes the body attacks the pancreas, specifically the cells that produce insulin. The reason their blood sugars are high is because the everything sugar from everything they eat just hangs out in the serum of their blood because they have no insulin to bring it into their cells. Their cells are essentially starving because there is sugar there but they can’t bring it in to use it. With type two cells are exposed to large amounts of sugar and insulin and the receptors become desensitized to insulin. The body still produces insulin but it takes a lot more insulin than in a “normal” person to get the sugar in the cells. Would you ever tell a diabetic person that if they just tried harder then their pancreas would suddenly work or their cells would suddenly become sensitive to insulin again? Would you ever tell a diabetic that they don’t really need their shots and in some cases pills to survive? Of course you wouldn’t. Without their medications a person with diabetes would die. The type one would starve to death no matter how much they ate and the type two would end up in kidney failure.

There are a lot of different things that can lead to heart disease. There are some things that people can be born with like congenital defects. There are some things that are linked to diet and lifestyle. There are also some things that are just part of the wear and tear of aging. No matter how the heart damage happens once it is done it is done. Some people will require surgery, some people will have to take pills everyday for the rest of their life, and some people will have to make changes to their diet, fluid intake, and/or lifestyle. People may have to do some or all of those things. Would you ever tell someone that they shouldn’t get the surgery, take the medicines, or make the lifestyle changes? Of course not. If they don’t they will die.

There are any number of other chronic illnesses I could add to this list but what do all of them have in common? Without the proper treatment the person suffering from these illnesses will die. I mean everyone dies eventually, but I mean that they will die younger than they would have if they would have followed the proper treatment. Well guess what, mental health disorders are also chronic illnesses and without the proper treatment they can also be fatal. Some of them can lead to suicidal ideation or risky behaviors both of which could eventually lead to death.

So why are the stigmas such a big deal? Well imagine this. Those of you who have cancer, diabetes, heart disease, asthma, COPD, etc. What if someone told you that you should be able to life without your treatments? What if they told you that your disease was your fault or that there was something wrong with you because of your disease? Would you maybe stop telling people about it? Would you maybe try to go off of your treatment? Would you maybe never seek treatment in the first place?

People with mental health disorders live among us everyday and for the most part you can’t tell the difference. In fact one in four people suffer from some sort of mental health disorder. I am not saying that treatment gets rid of symptoms of the disease completely. There is still a daily struggle to manage the symptoms but treatment can greatly help. For the most part, people with the proper support and treatment can live among society and be just as productive and valuable as anybody else.

Mental health stigmas are so dangerous because those struggling with a mental health disorder can end up feeling like there is something wrong with them, like they should be ashamed of themselves, that the world would be better off without them…see the problem. They could be less likely to confide in family and friends leaving them with no one to talk them through crises. Some people may be tempted to stop treatments and try to go without them. Everyone wants to be valued and accepted at least to a certain extent. If people keep hearing that having to seek therapy or take medicine to get their brain to work like anyone else’s makes them weak or bad, soon enough they will start to believe it. Then there are the people who are starting to recognize symptoms of mental illness in themselves or a loved one. Because of the stigmas they may take longer to seek help if they ever do at all.

The brain is an organ like any other organ. Would you blame someone for their lungs, heart, kidneys, immune system, etc. for not working right? Then why is it okay to blame people for their brain not working right? Short answer: it’s not. We need to stop looking at medical health problems and mental health problems and separate things. It’s like bugs and insects, fingers and thumbs. All mental health problems are medical health problems but not all medical health problems are mental health problems. Until we as a society can get this right, mental health disorders will continue to be more fatal than they need to be.

What I want my daughter to know about love

First let me tell a little of my love story. My husband and I met when I was ten years old, started dating when I was fourteen, got engaged when I was seventeen, got married when I was eighteen, and became parents when I was nineteen. Though this was completely normal a century ago, now this practically makes me a freak of nature. I never had the experiences that a typical person does in their twenties because I was a mother of two by twenty-three. This is what worked for us, but I totally don’t recommend it for everyone.

Don’t misunderstand me, I would never go back and change anything. The choices I made led me to be the person I am and gave me my husband and my kids. To change any of my decisions would be to erase my past and erase my kids and who I am now. These decisions worked for me and my husband and we have the life we want. I was never the typical young person anyway. I guess you could say I was born older. The fact that I never did the typical partying and dating people usually do when they are in their teens and twenties doesn’t bother me. In fact, when I hear some of the stories people tell me about dating I feel so lucky that I never had to go through that. It all kind of freaks me out: that level of vulnerability with people who are practically strangers…I could never do it. I never kissed anyone who wasn’t my boyfriend first.

Several years after my husband and I got married, a few of our friends made comments about how they felt like they would never get married and have kids. They were only in their early twenties. We explained to them that we are the exception and definitely not the rule. A lot of people don’t even meet their future spouse until their mid-late twenties and beyond. People don’t always even meet in person. Online dating is the norm these days, and there is nothing wrong with that. We live in the digital age. Some people have trouble meeting people face-to-face these days because socialization is done digitally now.

Here’s the thing: the new ways are all fine and good, but there are some “Old-fashioned” things that I don’t think we should lose. I know my opinions are limited by the fact that I started dating my husband at fourteen and, you assumed correctly, never had a physical relationship before him. That is why the vulnerability of the way the dating scene works now freaks me out. To me, there is something to be said about true intimacy. I don’t have to worry about him comparing me to someone else and he doesn’t have to be worried about me comparing him to someone else. There are truly only two people in our bed.

I don’t mean that in any way to be judgmental. I understand that in today’s society that is very old-fashioned thinking and somewhat unpractical. There are also some religious views I could talk about, but for now, let’s leave them out. What I want my daughter to know is that she needs to be careful with her heart, her love, and how she expresses her love. Ideally I would want her to wait until she is married, but lets be honest here, I didn’t, but I did wait until I found my husband. My mom once used an analogy with me about love and sex. She told me that sex can be like the “tape” that helps keep love stuck together. She put a piece of tape on my arm and ripped it off. (It was just scotch tape and she was doing it to teach me something so don’t freak out. I learned a lot from it and I am glad she did it.) The first time she ripped the tape off, it hurt a lot and “caused some damage” by ripping some hair out. She stuck it to me again. It still stuck fairly well and still hurt a bit when it got ripped off again. The more times she did it the less it stuck and the less it hurt when it was ripped off until it didn’t stick or hurt at all anymore. Again, no judgement is being cast here but, to me, there is a lot more to sex than good feelings. Inexperienced people can learn together, but true intimacy can be hard to achieve.

Now I am going to put on one of my many other hats and talk like a nurse. All the time there are more and more deadly diseases that are spread primarily sexually. (Let me just stop and say that there are many ways that people can get these diseases through absolutely no fault of their own, so please don’t think I am casting judgement again.) With modern medicine people can live a practically normal life with very little decrease in life expectancy. In fact, I believe life expectancy is only one year less than normal for people with uncomplicated HIV last I heard. That said, there are a lot of medications and treatments that go along with keeping HIV uncomplicated and maintaining that life expectancy. I firmly believe it is wise to use all known precautions to protect yourself. We live in the days of “safe sex” but let’s face it, condoms fail, break, and (just being honest) are not fun to use. The best way to protect yourself from these diseases is to only have sex with partners that do not carry them. Those who are infected with these diseases through no fault of their own aside, the only way to guarantee that your partner does not carry these diseases is that you are their first partner. And the only way to protect them is for them to your first partner.

I realize that I am greatly simplifying things. Life happens. Loves that were expected to last forever end. Engagements break. Marriages end up in divorce. Horrible people force themselves on other people. I am a nurse. I of all people understand accidental dirty needle sticks. That being said, it is only by understanding what our ideal would be that we can know what we are risking when we make certain choices. That is what I want my daughter to know about love. I want her to know what the ideal can be and what she risks by making compromises. What compromises would she be willing to make? What part of her ideal would she be willing to risk. I know that her ideal may not end up being the same as mine and I definitely know that she will probably make mistakes along the way. My promise to her is that I will be there to help pick her up no matter what her mistakes and I will be there to help her preserve as much of her ideal that can be preserved. There is nothing like the excitement of new and growing love. I want her to feel this excitement and to enjoy every moment of it. But, in the end, I want her to find a love that can become a slow burn so that it doesn’t burn out.